A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
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anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
a badder mouse
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there