Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.