It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough