Sombrero is better than nobrero.
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Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Cndnsd Mlk
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos