Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
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Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Overindulged this afternoon.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?