one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws