LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
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Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.