[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
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airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
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My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”