You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!