If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……