One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
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I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro