Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
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Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Not😆🤣
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve