The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
how was your vacation
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.