accurate
You Might Also Like
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.