daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”