Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
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I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Well, my evening plans are ruined
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]