I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
couldn’t resist
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
wait.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??