hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
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Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.