[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ