Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
You Might Also Like
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
It’s the weekend y’all
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*