Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Pandas 🐼🖤
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????