The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
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Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed