Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here