fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
🤣🤣
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?