I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Erm…
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.