wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter