Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist