People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.