When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
😎 🍻
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed