*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I ate everything, including the H.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.