Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
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Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
When he asks for feet pics