[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Mistakes were made
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.