My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”