If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Cats (2019)
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!