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Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.