My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
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Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.