The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
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Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet