Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
my proudest tweet
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
the three branches of government
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David