ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
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The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
pat pat
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?