My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
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Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
mentally somewhere in italy
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour