Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
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Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
No. He’s not coming out to play
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder