The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Saw online –
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them