I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
plant them where lol
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.