Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
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My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.