You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick