her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
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I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Girl, same.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.