What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
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3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Stop.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no