If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t