Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.