geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
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what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Isn’t
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo